We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.