Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!