Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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Blew my mind.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS