Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.