THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
What?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.