6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Velcrow
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.