Velcrow
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out