Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
i did the math
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit