Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Me: Go on…
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long
she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Just me and my debit card against the world