So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
*cough*