Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda