Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Bro what is this
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel