When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
hackers play passwordle
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!