made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong