Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
me working on my assignments ^-^
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’