I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me recordaron éste meme
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
same bro
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?