[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”