The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
he’s doing your taxes
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons