Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!