I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*