The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice