DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.