I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what