Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius