Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
You Might Also Like
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read