I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.