I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?