[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative