*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]