Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Realize this:
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.