@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?