Realize this:
You Might Also Like
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
TRAIN’S HERE
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby