If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On