behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
LMAO.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.