Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.