Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.