I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*Inspirational Tweets*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!