[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck