If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*