Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
opening twitter today
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
A game married people play.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances