My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
listen closely
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
What do you hear?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.