Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
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ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!