Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight