Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?