Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
You Might Also Like
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”