[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.


Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.


At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.


Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight


PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down


PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird


If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.


doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom


You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.


Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano