@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

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@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

@DartsBofficial

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@SwedishCanary

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

@LibertyLayne01

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

@badbanana

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

@robfromonline

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

@Valdemort_Arg

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Smooheed

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano