[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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sliding into dms like
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
#merica
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.