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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding