You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.