NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A friend sent me this.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
A man of commitment.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan