Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Siri: Retweet me.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
“And there was this one time…”
Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*