Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

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Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence


Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm


*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into


Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.


Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”


Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.