Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?