@ThisLocalHater

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

You Might Also Like

@uxnotyoux

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

@StinkyGr33n

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

@ArfMeasures

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@heykarlin

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@GreenishDuck

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.