Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.