Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Siri: Retweet me.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
😂💯
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*