Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You Might Also Like
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Make new friends? bro out of what?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
😂😂
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.