Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter