This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.