I hope Alan is OK
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭